Heads vs. Tails

I flipped.  It was heads.  This is supposed to mean that I pack up tonight and go back to Nashville, sleep for like 4 hours and then drive to the airport as opposed to driving to the airport straight from Huntsville.  At the minute, the San Francisco trip is on although I am utterly unprepared.  I'm not packed, haven't had a chance to practice, and don't really know what my itinerary holds to a moderate extent. 

I have to admit that I'm somewhat torn to leave my mother.  She's on the mend and got the good clearance from the doctor, but I left her tonight knowing that underneath her urges for me to go on, that she wasn't feeling all too well.  They always say that people "know" when their time is coming and I can't help but wonder or worry, rather if she "knows" something.  And what would I do is she does?  If I get the dreaded phone call?  If I don't make it back in time?  I turned and took one last look of her pleasant, but sullen face, capturing a mental picture of it just in case.  For some reason, she let out a voiced and weighty sigh...

I'm trying to read my gut on this one and I've got nothin...but I will say that I do feel that not going would simply be out of fear and not a true premonition.  That's why I'm still going.  It's a leap of faith of sorts that all will be well though I am far away.  It's sad that I have to think of these things.  But then again, I'm glad I can handle it!  That I'm not all faint of mind and spirit.  I think that's why I don't have a love in my life.  I'm too much of one person in far too many ways.  Maybe I should damsel myself in distress more often.  Who knows, it just might do the trick!  Yeah, I wasn't quite convinced of that one either...

Well, the drier has just stopped and this is supposed to be my cue to pack up and head to Nashville.  Should get there by 2am.  Four hours sleep.  Airport.  Take off.  Land in SAN FRANCISCO!!

Questions of the day: How often is fear the real reason you're at odds and on the fence?

When they ask you, say "Yes"

I have all of $3 to my name at the moment.  And for good reason.  I paid all my bills up so that I could go to San Francisco free and clear next weekend.  Between my get-through-the-week stash tucked away in my Nashville apartment and a few dollars my mom was supposed to give me from some medicine I'd purchased for her a couple weeks ago, I was "scheduled" to be okay.

Any time you go into a hospital there are tons of questions asked.  Medical history, level of pain, dietary choice, DNR or not to DNR.  But it's the questions asked to those who are dealing with the illness or difficult circumstance surrounding a loved one that give me the most trouble.  It's the "Do you need anything?" type of questions.  I don't know why communicating that I do actually need something when asked this is one of the most uncomfortable feelings on earth.  For me, at least.  Right now, me and my light purse need to say yes to that question as often as I can.  "Yes, " I would like some lunch."  "Yes, I do need a little cash to hold me over."  Today I said it twice and you better believe that I feel so much better with a full belly and gas money!  But why the awky process?  Pride?  No.  Fear of being demoted from super heroine to non-self-reliant?  Maybe.
My mother is in a lot of pain right now, but in her sub awareness she always says "No" when asked if she's in pain, amidst waves of whincing and grunting.  Working with the moderate coherence she does have I've been trying to prompt her each time she moans.  "When they ask you if you are having any pain, say 'Yes.'  So what are you going to say now?"  "Yes."  ..."okay, good."  That way you won't have to hurt anymore.  Nurse: "Are you having any pain, Mrs. King?" Mom: (faintly): "No..."  *whince*grunt*moan*

In other news, I made a step in the right direction and brought a couple of my opera books to the hospital with me.  Did I open them?  Ummm, that would be a No.  I am once again hopeful for tomorrow...six days until lesson time and counting.  As of right now, I'm still planning on making the trip.  I need this.  I need to feel like I am still moving in a vocal direction eventhough I'm mostly caught up in a holding pattern.  I have to say "Yes" and feel the relief, the loosening of the burden, the lifting of the veil when someone asks if they can do anything.  Now, let's just hope they ask...

My mother just said "Yes" too.  At long last, morphine winds its slow way up the IV tube...

Question of the day: Are you taking on things all by yourself that would be made easier if you would just say "YES" to help?