It seems that my dear JP had the best intentions of writing this day in 2002, but failed to get it on the page. The date on her blog calendar is highlighted as if she wrote, but the post is blank. Hmmm...wonder what happened? At this point in her blogging/cooking journey, she had already evaluated both her progress and sanity in taking on such a project. One would think that daily French cooking and eating would lead to the most blissful of existences, but according to JP, not so. Despite what we've been told, butter isn't good for the soul either.
As much as I could have used JP's blankness as an excuse to take an off day from my blog, I decided to press through and put some words on the page. Now, don't go thinking that this would have always been my choice. I have spent years and years procrastinating and intending to do things that I never carried through to completion. Just had a converstation with my BFF about this. I called myself trying to talk her out of "I'm a bad (fill in the blank)" self criticisms. I failed. I didn't fail for lack of love or sincerity, I think it was more so because I couldn't talk her out of the reality that comes with having a pulse.
After having thought about it for a few minuites, I would have tried again and said something along these lines. For every one thing that we beat ourselves for, there are numerous beside that we should praise. Okay, so you didn't finish that scrapbook. But you did fed, clothed, and comforted your child today. You did it yesterday. And you'll do it again tomorrow and even 10 years from now. You are responsible for the laughs, health, and growth you see in them each day. There are few things in life more significant than that.
I finally got around to asking my mother if there was anything in her life that she wanted to do or change. She gave the answer I expected. Just like the rest of us, she has had a life that happened. She wanted to be an opera singer, but her first baby happened. This first baby died much too soon at 39, but she adopted her great niece, aka ME!!! Even by the time she happened to me at 7 years old, the worst of my life had pretty much happened already. Yeah, that bad. The minute she stepped inside the door to take me way down the road from Columbus to Huntsville, the worst halted in it's tracks. The new birth certificate that soon followed turned out to be symbolic just as much as legal...
I'm not a bona fide (paid) opera singer yet, but a couple weeks ago I sang for about two hours in a Tribute Concert I put on for my mother. Everyone said it was so well organized and seemless...Well, let me tell you. Behind the scenes, I was a mess. People were running around like chickens, heads attached and all, making an event planned in just a little over three weeks appear seamless. Of course, if I could do it all over again, there is soooooo much I would do differently, bigger, better... COME ON, SAMANTHA!!! ARE YOU KIDDING???? Girl, you just pulled of one of the most treasured memories of your mother's life, honored her in a way she had never been before, gathered (literally) hundreds of people, and raised a sweet hunk o' money for the American Cancer Society!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and not to mention, pulled off my first independent concert even surprising myself that I was capable of such a feat! Why has it taken so long to step out of the should have's and give myself this pat on the back?? But you know what? Set this large gesture aside. Actually, take it out of the equation completely.
All my life, I've smiled at people. I've looked them in the eyes and smiled. When I taught preschool, there was a little boy whose finger and toe nails I cleaned by putting a baby wipe over the rounded end of a paper clip just about every day. One year for Christmas I made memory boxes as gifts for friends and family. I love giving big hugs like I mean it!!
Look, we can focus on the 20 or the 80...it's a choice we make with each and every thought we have about self correction. Do you know how many times I thought about blogging before I first did it? How many times I had profound thoughts that I never wrote down even after I did start? But here's the right question. Why did I begin again? No, not because I watched a movie four times in one day and connected. That was only the impetice. I'd seen that movie at least ten other times.
I began again because I found the right reason to do so and that reason FINALLY incited a purpose. Cancer is awful. It's slowly taking my mother away from me. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't have a purpose. Having a day job (a wonderful one, I'll add) when you want to really be spending your entire day singing is mayo mayo crumage. Life happens. What good is it to miss the endless collisions with purpose because you dwell more in your minor defeat rather than mega triumphs? You are the best mom, daughter, singer, friend, etc. most will ever know. Sure, we don't get it right, but only 20% of the time...CELEBRATE THE 80!!
Julie's intentions to post 8 years ago today went blank, but what a great outcome she had. And how about her impact on my post that I'm pretty proud of right about now? YESSSSS!!!!!!!!!
Question of the day: Will you kindly turn and give the much deserved homage to the 80 of your precious existence? (I think that was more of a command than a question, but we'll just go with the rules of punctuation on this one :-)
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