I flipped. It was heads. This is supposed to mean that I pack up tonight and go back to Nashville, sleep for like 4 hours and then drive to the airport as opposed to driving to the airport straight from Huntsville. At the minute, the San Francisco trip is on although I am utterly unprepared. I'm not packed, haven't had a chance to practice, and don't really know what my itinerary holds to a moderate extent.
I have to admit that I'm somewhat torn to leave my mother. She's on the mend and got the good clearance from the doctor, but I left her tonight knowing that underneath her urges for me to go on, that she wasn't feeling all too well. They always say that people "know" when their time is coming and I can't help but wonder or worry, rather if she "knows" something. And what would I do is she does? If I get the dreaded phone call? If I don't make it back in time? I turned and took one last look of her pleasant, but sullen face, capturing a mental picture of it just in case. For some reason, she let out a voiced and weighty sigh...
I'm trying to read my gut on this one and I've got nothin...but I will say that I do feel that not going would simply be out of fear and not a true premonition. That's why I'm still going. It's a leap of faith of sorts that all will be well though I am far away. It's sad that I have to think of these things. But then again, I'm glad I can handle it! That I'm not all faint of mind and spirit. I think that's why I don't have a love in my life. I'm too much of one person in far too many ways. Maybe I should damsel myself in distress more often. Who knows, it just might do the trick! Yeah, I wasn't quite convinced of that one either...
Well, the drier has just stopped and this is supposed to be my cue to pack up and head to Nashville. Should get there by 2am. Four hours sleep. Airport. Take off. Land in SAN FRANCISCO!!
Questions of the day: How often is fear the real reason you're at odds and on the fence?
It used to be all the time!! I always thought I wasn't good enough - that there's others out there with more money, better education, more experience - but then I realized, "you know what? YOU make it work - don't worry about the others!"
ReplyDeleteThat was the catalyst for me to: leave my 3.5 month marriage (nasty little drug habit and cheating that I didn't know about), move to Wyoming and definitely finish my MBA.
Sure, I had to give up EVERYTHING I knew and was comfortable with. Good bye friends, dogs, husband, job, school. EVERYTHING.
But you know what? Because of that, in return, I got: a wonderful husband and 2nd chance to see what a good marriage is supposed to be like! I got a job working for a company that has allowed me to advance (I've gone from bookkeeper (glorified data entry) to Assistant Accountant!!)and with the job and school combined - I have the opportunity to do something I NEVER thought possible: Go for my CPA!!
So, Sam, sometimes fear is a good thing - it can help make you stop and think for a minute so you don't do something too rash or hasty. But, like I said to all my critics when I moved to NYC back in 2004 in regards to the potential, continued threat of terrorism: If you live in a constant state of fear, the terrorists win.
Don't let your fears win, Sam. Imagine what's the absolute worst thing that could happen? For me it was absolutely falling on my face broke and having to move back home to Florida. But so what? I TRIED! One last piece of advice that my Dad gave me awhile back in regards to fear and failure: You always fail 100% of the things you never try.
I'm here for you - make your dreams happen. :)